I’m pretty open about my sexuality and up until recently, I identified as bisexual. It fitted me for a long time there – being attracted to both men and women is the way I would use to describe my sexuality. However, recently I have learned more about myself and the label of ‘demisexual’ seems to fit better…
To me, this presents itself pretty obviously. I just do not feel sexually attracted to someone if there is no emotional intimacy there. On the flip side, I often feel attracted to people who I have an emotional connection with. Yup, that awkwardly can include friends. It causes me a lot of confusion and difficulty in terms of knowing how I really feel about other people.
Sexual attraction is not something that we have a choice in, it just happens. The difference with demisexuality is that it only happens if there is an emotional connection. I feel no sexual attraction to someone just because I find them physically attractive. There has to be something more there.
Demisexuality tends to be seen on the same spectrum as asexuality (having no sexual feelings or desires) but it is different for everyone. I do not consider myself to be on the asexual spectrum at all but I fully appreciate why demisexuality is seen as being on there. I definitely have the sexual feelings – it’s just that they only occur after an emotional bond has been formed with someone. And because of my attraction to men and women, gender doesn’t really come into the equation.
I believe that sexuality is very fluid and therefore, I am not taken by any surprise that I now identify with a different one to before. Whether or not I’m in a relationship with a man, this does not take away from the fact that I can identify with a particular sexuality – I’ve talked about this before here.
A further thought I keep having is the link between sexuality and BPD. With BPD being something which can cause someone to have difficulty with their sense of identity and self, it makes sense to me that there might be a link there with sexuality. Do any of you know if any studies have been done about this…? I haven’t been able to find anything but I really feel like it might be worth looking into further.