Everything seems to be going okay. You’re working hard on your mental health – taking your medication, eating healthily, getting out the house, doing things you enjoy, going to therapy etc. You are supposed to feel good but you don’t and that’s the awful thing about depression. It doesn’t always matter what is going on around you or how much you are trying, it can still hit you at full speed and knock you off your feet.
This happened to me recently and I really struggled to accept it. I have been working so hard on my mental health and doing okay. I am managing the depression better than I would have in the past. That is, I’m living with the emotions rather than self harming or binge drinking or doing any other manner of self destructive things. I’m coping better but knowing that doesn’t take away from the pain of depression. Essentially, depression is still really fucking awful even when I’m managing it in a healthier way.
Therapy has made it easier for me to function normally whilst battling an episode of depression. Whilst I acknowledge that this is fantastic, I also worry that my experiences are being taken less seriously. I might not be using unhealthy coping mechanisms, it might not be as obvious that I’m suffering but I am and it still hurts.
The hardest thing right now is that while I continue to avoid damaging behaviours, I am yet to find healthy replacements for things like self harm. So I’m basically just sitting with the depression and tolerating it. I am at a loss for what to do to ease the feelings right now. I feel stuck and lost. I’m at this point where I can function but that is all I am doing – I am not enjoying life and every day is a struggle.
It is a strange place to be in – being somewhat better than I have been in the past but not completely mentally healthy. I’m not well but I’m nowhere near as unwell as I have been. As someone who sees things in an ‘all or nothing’ way, this feels very uncomfortable. There’s a part of me clinging to the idea that it would be more comfortable to be self destructing. It is what I know and it helps (in the short term, definitely not in the long term) to ease the emotions I feel.
It may be that this is as far as it gets for me and that I do just have to learn to live with this. But I’d like to think there’s more for my future, I hope that I can find a way out of this darkness that has taken over me. I hope that way out doesn’t see me self destructing or in crisis. For now, I guess all I can do is keep going and keep trying even when it seems like there is no point.
This in between place might be my home for a while so I guess I’ll have to learn to feel more at ease here.